Went to my server's tech support and told them about it. They fixed whatever the issue was with the server. The mod is running fine.
I repeat, if you are getting a 500 Internal Server Error, check with your hosting company. My issue was not with the mod, but with my server config. I'm still waiting on them to tell me which setting was preventing this from working. If they let me know, I'll report it back here for posterity's sake.
Thanks for the mod!
Update: The issue was with php suhosin. I don't know what it is or why it was causing errors, but if you have problems point your tech support guys toward it. Now that I know that, turns out there's an entire thread about it already here: http://www.zen-cart.com/forum/showthread.php?t=110204



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