Thanks for your reply RodG. ( And Carl and DrByte)
Seemed to me there were three suggestions to try. Check for PHP, your suggestion and DrBytes suggestion to contact my host.
Seems like I figured out successfully that PHP was running correctly on my server. I don't work with Shell access or at the root of my server very well, so I was a little hesitant to try those suggestions, so I took DrByte's advice next and went to my host for help. Turns out, it was a simple slash in my configure.php file that was causing all the trouble. The file worked correctly on my shared hosting, but moving it to my VPS, it stopped.

I'm back up and running. Sorry if I took you away from more pressing needs to try and help a stuck zenner.

Cheers back at ya!