Changing freeshipper.php text but not in the obvious way -- Please read!

Hi. So here's my problem. I have a client that wants to change the text that freeshipper.php displays during the checkout process.

Here's the rub: They want the text to change depending on what items or group of items is ordered. So for example, if someone orders a DVD they want it to read, "Free UPS Ground Shipping!" but if someone orders a tea set they want it to read, "Free USPS Priority Mail!", etc.

I know where the language file is located and I know where to change the text, but to make it adaptable I have to do some database querying, which I also know how to do.

What I don't know is how ZC stores the contents of the basket being checked out. I've looked in the database and I know which table holds the information.

How do I differentiate between one basket and the next? Is there any global variable passed to ZC? Anyone have any ideas?

I'm kind of stumped, thanks so much in advance.

... now ask your client what if the customer orders a DVD and a tea set and a bicycle?

Honestly - it can be done, but the amount of work to flag each product and set the rules for who is boss is not worth it.

Well, telling a client to go stuff it really isn't an option. I know it's a dumb request and I know it's a lot of trouble but they're willing to pay for it so...

As to the first part of the question, if it's a mixed shipment it goes UPS Ground.

This nice thing is that I only have to change the text.

So, does anyone have any ideas how to do this?

Thanks again in advance.